[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
This is my favorite one of these!
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?