Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me