Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.