[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.