[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.