Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.