[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Education is vital
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK