Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Oceanography is all about current events

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.