[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.