Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?