[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”