[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards