God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too