Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

absolute chaos

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?