God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Morning my dudes.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”