God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
not to brag, but mine was free
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.