[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.