Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”