Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Me trying to reach for my goals

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch