[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
fly smarter, not harder
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk