Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Xylophonist Shredding It

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.