Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

@ candidates for local office

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

good for her

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?