[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there