[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample