Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Cannot stop laughing at this

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit