Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

They should make a moral fiber supplement

oh she’s cooked

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Me, reading some of your tweets