(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Tell me you get it…🤣
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty