Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

#Caturday

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

this country is so goddamn polarized

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Just ordered me some pizza!