Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Good advice.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?