Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

It’s a gift

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”