Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids