[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
and now we wait
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.