Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Had to try this trend 😊

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

“A little help here, Danny?”