Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.