[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean