[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Oops
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display