[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Stick it to the man
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The devil.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix