[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
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I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Seems kinda suspicious
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
