*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback