*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching