Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.