Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.