God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You Might Also Like
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Fiction has to make sense.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!