God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I thought this was funny lol
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
classic mixup
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either