God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.