God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?