Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

me at the job i begged god for

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Incredible customer service.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

I need a headline like this

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.