God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
shit just got real
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.