[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.