Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

I’ve been drinking.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”