Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️