Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

Creepy-crawlies

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire