Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Yup!

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.