{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My background check bounced.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.