[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
This rocks
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is