[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.