[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.