[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you