Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.