[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Storm Tropical Storm
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.