Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

Twitter

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Love is in the air fryer.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.