Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips