Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license