god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
let’s discuss
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
i think my razor is having a panic attack
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.