Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You deplete me

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

True story 🤣

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married