[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
You Might Also Like
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings