Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.