Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.