Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.