Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe