[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.