Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO