[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie