[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m tired tomorrow.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno