Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.