Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf