[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs