[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

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“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz

#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist


I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.


People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.


In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


[classified ads]


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.


Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks


my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it


Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!