[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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every. time.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
good work, everybody
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.