“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz
#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!